We were making our routine trip to the neighbourhood garbage dump, that's where we usually find our mail, flung away by the postman miffed by our refusal to give in to his frequent extortionist demands in the form of requests for bakshish. Of course, we're not the only offenders on this count, so often there's also other mail at the dump. And when the postman really gets into the mood, he also throws away outgoing mail that he's picked up from the postbox. So that's how we found this letter addressed to:
Hillary Clinton, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC, USA
It was from one Bill Clinton in Paharganj, New Delhi, India. That's right, do we need to spell it out for you - this is a S-C-O-O-P! Clinton never left India. That's another one in the eye for General Musharraf - not only did Clinton go to Pakistan for just 5 hours, he didn't go there at all! The guy who met Musharraf was just a double offered as bait to Osama. That guy is now lording it over as the Leader of the Free World. That doesn't concern us now - it makes no difference to us who the President of the US is, as they all think India is the region that's trying to secede from Pakistan anyway. The question is: why did the real Clinton decide to stay on in India? Read on…

Dear Hillary,

As agreed, I have stayed back in India. Of course, my double is in the White House, but as we hardly spend any time together, that shouldn't bother you. Besides, you have the genuine excuse of your Senate campaign, and having to live in New York. Whenever you want the double to say anything, just train him, the way you trained me during all those campaigns we went through together.
This is for the best, really. You'll get busy with the Senate very soon, and you'll probably make it to the White House after that. You shouldn't be nervous - after all, you've been doing the top job for nearly 8 years now. There won't be much for me to do out there - former presidents don't get their own offices, much less interns - to do secretarial work for me, I mean. And I really can't afford to pay back all those loans I took to cover my legal bills. But now, I'm a free man.
The best thing is I don't have to listen to Al drone on self-righteously about family values, technology and the environment. All these years, I thought he was talking about the O-zone, and kept wondering how he could talk so dirty in public, while I did it in private and got impeached.
I also managed not to meet that Paki general whatsisname. As if I was about to become a sitting duck for Osama. I had no intention of boarding any plane out of India - I'd probably be in Kandahar right now, and who would bail me out?
It was a bit of a bother getting away what with your mother keeping a hawk's eye on me. But then I got hold of this T-shirt saying "I AM A DANGEROUS HINDU FANATIC". As soon as I wore it, the Indian government pretended I didn't exist. At the back, it had a map of Pakistan with nukes all over it, and as soon as I turned my back on the Americans, THEY pretended I didn't exist.
But I really wonder who suggested this place I'm staying at to you - it's not particularly comfortable. It's got a funny name too - I think they mean "succour", but I guess Indians don't know English very well. The board out front says Sucker Tourist Lodge. They're charging Rs 5000 per night, and they've promised to shift me to a room with an attached bathroom very soon. The neighbourhood is pretty crowded, and you can actually see the air you're breathing. But then, I rarely inhale, so I'm doing OK.
I'm going to take it easy for a while here. You know I got a driving licence down south - actually I found you don't really have to be the US President to get a licence here in 5 minutes, without taking a driving test. Indians are doing it all the time. I'm getting all the tandoori food that I want. If I get bored after a while, I figure I can always resurface and try to become the Indian Prime Minister. Hey, you might have to negotiate with me then, huh?

More later. Love to Buddy….
And to you too.
Bill.