"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming
you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off, owing
to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery. This is flight one
two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end
up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing
on your village! Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our
safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers
have reached their destination. (I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists
themselves!!!) For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff have
all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our stewardesses Bubbly
and Goldie will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to
turn them off ! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve
complimentary tea and biscuits ! For our religious passengers, we are the only
airline who can help you find out if there really is a God! We regret to inform
you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it
from the television. But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air
India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the
early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Life jackets are
positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the
aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps! In order to catch
important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If,
however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes
flies right through the landmark ! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright
position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a
seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those
of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant
for your suitcase. Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have
to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself
to the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.