The Laloo Prasad tax: Laloo is to the BJP what adulterated mustard oil is to Indian cuisine. Without a bete noire like him, the BJP's raison d'ętre would evaporate faster than public funds in Bihar; he gives the BJP a hard-on. He also cuts into the anti-BJP vote the Congress so desperately wants to consolidate. With the BJP least interested in seeing Laloo lose relevance, it is a wonder that the Finance Minister, himself from Bihar, did not impose this tax on the Indian public, though it would have been redundant in the context of the 'entertainment tax' imposed on film-going public.

The Burn Them Alive tax: The BJP's alter ego, the Bajrang Dal, decided that since they didn't have the balls to burn that pesky Sonia Gandhi alive, they would go after other White Christians, such as Australian missionary Graham Staines. Faced with a potential outbreak of such burnings, the government was thinking of withdrawing the subsidy on kerosene oil - it would have also brought the price of petrol down by half, to global levels. But then Indians would have had to stop bride burnings as well, and how can a party that is a protector of the finest of Hindu heritage, oppose a bharatiya tradition like that?

The Bal Thackeray Blows Michael Jackson tax: This is obviously being imposed to raise money so that we can have the world's first Lesbian Cricketing Championship between India and Pakistan. How can a man invite a globally recognised pederast (and worse, one who inflicts mindless, meaningless, homogenising music) for a Mumbai concert, and then ban Fire for being opposed to Indian culture? At the very least, his State should be taxed to destitution for the vandalism his goons wrought upon the nation's cricket trophies and pitches.

The Invade Pakistan tax: L K Advani wanted to send in the Army, Madan Lal Khurana wanted to send in the outer Delhi wrestlers, and Vajpayee wanted to send the Shiv Sena's cricket-pitch attacking activists. The Paki nuclear device put an end to all that. All Vajpayee could do was ride a garishly golden bus into Lahore himself, hanging onto the mummified Dev Anand, hugging the mortified Nawaz Sharif. This tax is to help satisfy the demand by a fuming Acharya Dharmendra that the Prime Minister should have visited Pakistan on a tank.

The Impeach The President tax: That K R Narayanan! He's so unpredictable! He questions Governmental decisions! He often refuses to heed Cabinet advice to impose Article 356 on recalcitrant States such as Uttar Pradesh and Bihar! He gets worked up about toasted Christians! He wonders about the morale of the armed forces after the unprecedented sacking of the Navy chief! What a zany guy! What a Looney Tune! Say - why not impose this tax and promise to withdraw it only if people call for a change in the Constitution and an impeachment of the bastard!

The Rewrite History tax: Murli Manohar Joshi's ambitious project of mythologising Indian history and replicating what has already been achieved in Pakistan will need some money. Perpetrating and perpetuating an elaborate hoax on the millions of masses will require lotsa funds. Crass teleserials will have to be commissioned; thousands of mosques will have to be destroyed and replaced by cavernous temples of replendent marble; books have to burnt, and replaced by Orwellian badspeak sourced from indecipherable classics that only the high priests of academic Sanskrit have access to; and any sign of intellectual freedom will have to be decidely stamped out. This tax will be imposed sooner than later.

The Insipid Budget tax: The thing is, poor Yashwant can't be blamed. After all, he is hamstrung by a babudom-personality which is incapable of vision. He is a tinkerer, harassed by a rabid bunch of hard-core swadeshi zealots in his own party. His best bet is to impose this tax on anyone who criticises or offers advice for the budget.

The Big Butt tax: One great thing about our traditional bharatiya nari, besides the fact that she shuns the decadent western influence of lesbianism, is that she traditionally carries a big bottom. Ah, the Indian male and his Oedipal complex!! It's no surprise, therefore, that the BJP has glorious examples of the species - Sushma Swaraj, Rita Verma, Vasundhara Raje, and any female BJP MP from Gujarat. Hence, the best way to mobilise funds for infrastructure development in the power, food and transport sectors is obviously to tax large derrieres. The bigger the butt, the higher the tax! Think of the revenue windfall! The only grey cloud on the horizon: the decadent western influence of MTV, which is encouraging young belles to keep slim and athletic figures. Flee, satanic influence! Flee!

The ISI Chief tax: This man must be taxed! Or he must be a taxed man! Wasn't he responsible for the 1995 plague? Isn't he responsible for the demographic shift in the North-east? Isn't he responsible for our burgeoning population and unrelenting poverty? Isn't he responsible for mankind's precarious epistemic grasp of being and identity? Invade Pakistan and tax his ass - NOW!!!

Illustrations by Siddhartha Mitra