Illustration by Max Martin

(I couldn't see the connection. That's why I'm convinced that the brains of the Indian males lie mostly in their L...s. The argument went on...)

"But that movie is 40 years old, yaar. Today's teenager is being brought up on Karishma's gyrations and Govinda's pelvic thrusts."

"I guess I'll have to wait for our son to grow up and tell me if the Indian woman has grown up!"

This conversation was getting prurient, so I prudently moved on and drew on my own vast reservoirs of experience in such matters.

Assuming, for a moment, that most Indian women are icicles, what does that say of most Indian men? Obviously, they've got to be pretty pathetic in bed to invite such a non-response. Their libidinous tendencies are, alas, well-documented in the country's population figures. What goes unrecorded (but what every woman knows anyway) is that this nation of loinhearts has immensely fragile egos which need to be massaged as assiduously as their Ls. No is a two-letter word they can't take for an answer. You may have returned from work, tired from a 12-hour grind, or perhaps had a truck run over you, or worse. But never say no, dearie. Otherwise, be prepared to be branded frigid, prudish etc. etc.

Also, when it's all over, in about 30 seconds or so, and he lies there gulping like a goldfish, never, ever, say: Bus? Ho gaya kya?

PS: My husband pushed me into writing this piece, restored my confidence in my creative writing, lent me his laptop, even got my paan and bidi to keep me going...and what did he get in return?

Vandana Aggarwal is with The Times of India

Illustration by Max Martin

When they say the Indian middle class is sexually hypocritical, they very necessarily mean Indian men who hail from such a background maintain double standards - one outside the bed, and one in. But that is only one side of the story. The other is that Indian women belong to the same flock as well. But then, poor women, they have to ascribe themselves to the Sati-Savitri-Sita archetypal mould. Who cares whether the saffron, ultra-prude Hindu brigade agrees with us and them or not?

That is where the problem lies. Even the I-am-game Indian woman can put the Western prude to shame. No, one is not exhorting them to adopt a faster-than-thou attitude. We are hypocrites, satyrical maniacs after all. But when one makes advances (yes, discreetly and decently, and with all the noble desires in one's head, heart and groins), the least they can do is not think of you as a friend-turned-bhaiyya (brother).

Like it or not, what Indian (prude) women are always on the lookout for is sanction. Ask any of them, and they will agree: shaadi ke bad ladkiyaan besharam ho jaati hain (after marriage girls become shameless). The point has been made. All sex and pun, Indian women say "Hi, men" only after they have been taught what this big bang theory is all about.

Subir Ghosh is with the Centre for Science and Environment

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