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| Bushed: The Interview |
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Jaal: We heard you had a great trip of India. What did you enjoy? Bush: I met this really nice fellow. Condoleezza Rice (whispers): Mr President, it was a buffalo. Bush: …Really nice buffalo. Jaal: What else did you enjoy? Bush: I enjoyed the warm reception I got from Indians. All those people in the streets carrying those signs, “Bush Hai Hai”. I thought that was nice, I said “Hi” to them too. Jaal: Did you enjoy meeting Manmohan Singh? Bush: Yeah, he’s a nice guy. And we have a lot of common problems…I’ve got daughters who can’t stay out of trouble, he’s got a daughter who works for the ACLU or something equally troublesome; we both want reforms, he wants to change the economy and I want to make America into a monarchy; he’s afraid the terrorists in Pakistan are out to get him, I’m afraid the terrorists in Pakistan are out to get me (in fact, the one night I had to sleep there I made sure that Laura was my body shield); I have trouble with those stubborn bastards in Congress, he said he has trouble with that stubborn bitch in Congress. Jaal: What about the India-US nuclear deal, do you think that will go through soon? Bush: Sure, why not? Oh, the Congress? Well, you know, we know what they’re thinking (actually, we really do know that since after all the noise they made over the domestic eavesdropping issue, we make sure that we listen in all their conversations to know what they’ll do next about that), and they talking about all those international treaties and stuff that we’re going to be violating, and about what sort of impact it will have on Iran…well, I say, it will have an impact, a very very big impact, especially if the Indians manage to drop a very very big nuke on Iran. As for the treaties, I don’t know about anyone who takes them seriously except Kofi Annan. Jaal: That’s good to know. What about all the protests from the Communists? Bush: We’re going to take good care of New York and California…oh, you mean the communists in India? That’s a domestic issue for Mr Singh to sort out, but I can provide some room in Gitmo if he needs some help… Jaal: And what about the protests by the Muslims? Bush: Wasn’t that over some cartoons? Personally, I never look at the cartoons because they always seem to be about me. And the Muslims keeps protesting every day about cartoons, and books, and stuff…they do a lot of that serious stuff I have no interest in. Jaal: There were reports about security dogs being given official designations… Bush: I didn’t know about that before, so I was kind of relieved to know what they were talking about later when they mentioned problems about Colonel Barnes humping the right leg of the National Security Advisor or Lt Noble sniffing Sgt Borders’ butt. Jaal: And you described Pakistan as an “Arab” nation… Bush: That was a mistake. I was actually saying “a rabble-rousing” nation, but someone kicked my shin and stopped me. Jaal: So, would you say you had a successful trip to India? Bush: Historic, absolutely historic…and so very fruitful, we’re finally going to get the mangoes. * Conducted via telepathy while Bush was choking on a pretzel. 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