Washington, says US President George W Bush, is a city of “leakers.”
While the US Administration is perfectly fine with private leaking, it gets really irate over such public displays. We understand that the White House is undertaking a federally funded programme on the mores of leaking.
Among the first measures that is to be initiated, according to highly unreliable sources, was finalized during a secret telecon with India’s Deputy Prime Minister LK Advani. The telecon was so hush hush that not a word was actually spoken while it was in progress, for fear of, what else, leaks. However, it is understood, that in exchange for providing India with a million more offshored jobs, Britney Spears and a nuclear submarine, India will place at the Administration’s disposal the services of Sulabh Shauchalayas. The solution, as forwarded by Advani, is that the more urinals that are available, the more the chances of cutting off leaks at the source, however painful that procedure may sound.
One solution that was advanced by Advani, based on the policy of late Prime Minister Morarji Desai, of returning the leak to its source, was not accepted by the Administration.
Indians experts will soon be sent to Washington to undertake a reconnaissance mission to comprehend the gravity of leaks in DC. Once the source of the leaks has been identified, it will summarily be banished into oblivion or into Dick Cheney’s bunker, whichever option appears deadlier.
“We have a history of leaks. We have leaked through our lives and we keep leaking. That makes us experts on leaking. See any wall in New Delhi and you’ll realize how leaking is the national pastime,” Advani reportedly told Bush by sending out smoke signals after the telecon had concluded. Advani also pointed out that while the ship of state, as the cliché goes, is supposed to leak from the top down, in India, the Government had perfected the art of leaking in every direction and some Ministers were also experts in tangential leaks. However, the Administration has also to contend with complaints from a bunch of Senators about outsourcing the anti-leakage activity to India. In an attempt to pre-empt the barrage of criticism that is in the offing, the Administration has apparently ordered a lifetime supply of Depends so as to ward off the pissed lawmakers.
However, news of the pact between the countries has leaked out to the anti-offshoring brigade. In a statement, the Committee to Keep Leaking American, said, “We are extremely perturbed over the possibility of leaking abroad. We are certain that America has the resources, manpower and technology to build its own Incontinence Ballistic Missile.” The remainder of the statement is indecipherable for the Committee met in private restroom in Arlington, Virginia and overlooked stocking enough toilet paper, and members had to make do with the remnants of the leakage dossier.
Finally, the Administration has decided to declare the District of Columbia a leak free zone and is also considering putting up billboards with the message: “Mind Your Bladders.” It has also asked the CIA to investigate whether Saddam Hussein is in any way involved in the leaking outrage.