5.30 am: Wake up. Remember to practice humility in front of the mirror. In my humble opinion, I’m the humblest of them all. Wonder why my wife keeps playing Uriah Heep records in the background, that too early in the morning when I’m doing my humility exercises?

7 am: After I finish my modest bath, deferential breakfast and brush my humble teeth, I am ready to call Soniaji. Soniaji gives me the assignments for the day, she always sets a strict timetable. I humbly accept whatever she says. She says that I have to inform everyone that I am not taking orders from her. I call the press information office and tell them to issue a statement: “The Prime Minister humbly says that he does not take orders from Soniaji and that Soniaji has not told him to say this even though she can always tell her humble servant to say anything she wants.”

8 am: Call my OSD to tell him to schedule an emergency Cabinet meeting. Soniaji has asked to me reserve 10 per cent of seats in Government jobs, educational institutions and in the private sector for Italians. My OSD says there aren’t that many Italians in the country, but I tell him to import them if necessary. Even though I do not take orders from Soniaji (see press release), her word is my command.

10 am: Time for the Parliament session. The Opposition is planning to walk out again because it opposes my Government’s policies. And I don’t mean the BJP, I mean the Left parties. They keep opposing everything I do till they go red in the face. Chidambaram is unhappy over the criticism of his economic policies by our allies. I tell him to give them a sop. He asks, “What?” I tell him to announce that Rs 100 of income tax will be deducted from that due from a striking employee. I wonder why Chidambaram keeps hitting his head against the walls of the Finance Ministry? He shouldn’t, he’ll disturb the monkeys.

12 noon: The Cabinet meeting is held. No one pays any attention to what I say. Lalooji wants 5 per cent reservation for all those who have been jailed for corruption. Paswanji wants 5 per cent reservation for all scheduled castes and tribes. When I point out that they already have 27.5 per cent reservation, he walks out in protest against my apparent stubbornness. The DMK wants the Tamil Nadu Government dismissed, and LK Advani wants the Central Government dismissed. Wait, who invited Advani to the Cabinet meeting?

5 pm: Finished my humble lunch and tea, had my humble nap and I’m ready to take on the world yet again. President Musharraf calls to say that he’s sending some people over to India. I welcome them, but my National Security Advisor complains that Musharraf did not says “tourists”, he said “terrorists”. He’s always quibbling.

7 pm: Have to visit Soniaji. Go to 10 Jan Path and give her a complete list of everything that has been accomplished during the day. She gives me marks for my performance. If I do not pass the first semester exam, she has threatened to replace me as PM by Mani Shankar Aiyar. Apparently, he’s better at sycophancy than I am.

10 pm: After a long, sapping meeting with Soniaji, I have my humble dinner and wash the plates. Suddenly, there is a call from President Bush. He wants me to offer him a solution to the outsourcing problem. Apparently, the Americans are complaining about jobs coming to India. I tell him I have the ideal solution – we’ll reserve 10 per cent of all jobs in India for Americans.

12 midnight: Humble Good Night!