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| A Dozen More Ministries India Needs |
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Our beloved Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has formed an expansive (if not expensive) Council of Ministers, but is it enough? Ask any Congresswallah, like Arjun Singh, and the answer will be in the negative. A proper Ministry should numbers at least a hundred, if not in the hundreds. But since portfolios are limited, we at Jaal propose the creation of the following Ministries:1. Ministry of Graft: India has a single-window system for FIIs, for SEZs, but not for the most critical component of the democracy – corruption. You have to make a hazaar chakkars for the ten per cent it takes to get work done like a license to clip nostril hair (separate forms for men and women). Thus, a single centralized Ministry is required to smooth the distribution of wealth among the tens of thousands of politicos, bureaucrats, clerks and assorted babus who depend on our involuntary largesse to thrive. Obviously, a Cabinet rank post. 2. Ministry for the Gandhi Family: Certainly, the most important task before Manmohan Singh and his Government is to keep the 10 Jan Path dynasty satisfied. However, as it stands, this job is undertaken in a haphazard manner through the induction of dozens of loyalists and frequent bowing and praying before the Sonia/Rahul/Priyanka trinity. It’s time to create a new Ministry, with a Cabinet Minister to take over this significant task so that an entire bureaucracy can be devoted to worshipping at the altar. Just in case the BJP ever manages to return to power, this Ministry and can be renamed as the Ministry for the Sangh Parivar. 3. Ministry of Americanism: India is a natural ally of the United States. Therefore, just the Ministry of External Affairs cannot be relied upon to suck up to His Royal Highness Barack the First and his courtiers. After all, the MEA is often involved in dealing with critical issues vis-à-vis bilateral ties with global players like Outer Mongolia and Andorra. Therefore, we need a Minister of State with Independent Charge of groveling before the Yanks because we still have major catching up to do with the Pakis in this respect. 4. Ministry of Anti-Americanism: India is a natural critic of the United States. Therefore, just the Ministry of External Affairs cannot be relied upon to screw up relations with the Obama Administration. After all, the MEA is often involved in dealing with critical issues vis-à-vis bilateral ties with global players like Burkinafaso and Vanuatu. Therefore, we need a Minister of State with Independent Charge of standing up to the Yanks because we still have major catching up to do with the Chinese in this respect. 5. Ministry of Peace: No, not to keep India from fighting another war with Pakistan or China, but to keep the Ministers for Americanism and Anti-Americanism from slaughtering each other. 6. Ministry of Heirs: It's extremely important to keep tracks of the sons and daughters, wives and sisters of prominent Congresswallahs who are now Ministers. After all, there are so many of them in the Ministry now – Jitin Prasada, Sachin Pilot, Agatha Sangma, Jyotiraditya Scindia, to name just four. This onerous task should be undertaken by a dedicated Minister of State in the Department of Home Affairs. 7. Ministry for Hair: Given the age of about 563 24x7 satellite news channels, it's necessary for Indian politicians, especially Ministers to appear well groomed making this Ministry key to how the Government performs, or, at least, in the appearance of how it's performing. The perfect Minister for this portfolio is Shashi Tharoor, and he should be given additional charge of it. 8. Ministry for Airs: No, this will have nothing to do with air pollution but with training new Ministers and retraining the old to look suitably arrogant and contemptuous when dealing with 24-year-old television correspondents with the IQ levels of 24 rocks in the Aravallis thrusting mikes in their faces and asking them questions of supreme national importance such as: "Are you really a Minister, wowzee!!?” This function could easily be an additional charge for P Chidambaram. 9. Ministry of Affairs, External and Home: Shush. Let's not go into the prurient details here. 10. Ministry of Food Preparation: Every Government has a Kitchen Cabinet. Unfortunately, none of them has ever been served by a competent cook who can actually use the kitchen. This is a job for an exceptional bawarchi. 11. Ministry of Ministers: A Cabinet-level post to keep track of the large Council of Ministers and their responsibilities which can be a difficult task given the possibility of regular reshuffles as well as the tantrums and demands of various members of the coalition. And finally... 12. Deputy Prime Minister: The post once held by LK Advani, therefore by precedent one to be occupied by senior politicians who've nearly made it to PM but now know that they won't ever get there. Contenders for this post include Pranab Mukherjee and Sharad Pawar. Will be responsible for sulking, with breaks for pouting. Send Jaal Your Feedback: RECENTLY ON JAAL: Six Headlines For 2009 UPA Yours 10 New Year Resolutions 10 Celeb Stories We Want To See Bastards Of Bollywood 10 Reasons Shashi Tharoor Lost Do You Have A Reservation? Diwali Crackers What's In A Rape? Mush Mush Pakistan Isn't It Strange... 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