I. The Roads: Delhi boasts of wide expanses of artistically rendered potholes interrupted in some areas by stretches of macadam. Though a moon buggy is best suited to navigating this terrain, you probably will not have access to one. Therefore, it's always advisable to keep your seat belt on, at the very least to keep your bones and teeth from rattling apart.
2. Road Manners: Remember, you don't need any. In fact, driving carefully could be injurious to your health as the Sumo overtaking you from the left at 80 mph will prove. Never stop to argue a fine point with another driver who has just rammed into your stationary car at a red light. Remember, red lights are just roadside decorations meant to alleviate the dullness of the road. if you have to encounter that driver, do not forget your suit of chain mail. The safest vehicles on Delhi's roads are armoured trucks and bulldozers. If you do not own either, apply for a job to drive a Blueline. Alternatively, stand for election, become a VIP, get a security detail and let those guns do the talking with other uppity drivers. Then, you'll really own the roads.
3. Public Transport: Delhi has about 3,000 buses for a population of approximately 6 million commuters. So, unless you are a sardine, you will want another option. These options include three-wheelers, and taxis that either overcharge, refuse to travel in your direction or break down. Settle for the best option - stay at home.
4. Pollution: Every breath you take, is a mistake you make. Refresh your lungs at regular intervals by smoking a cigarette or two. Keep an oxygen cylinder handy for those frequent occasions on which you hyperventilate courtesy inhalation of unadulterated automobile exhaust.
5. Power: If you are finicky about electrical appliances actually functioning in your house or having the lights on, you shouldn't live here. The Delhi Vidyut Board has taken to heart the adage, Power Corrupts, and has, therefore, worked at depriving citizens of such a corrupting influence. The infrequent occasions on which you actually have electricity will be brightened up with phenomenon such as tripping, fluctuations, among others. However, this is based on the assumption that you pay your bills. If you decide to steal power by tapping into the nearest pole, you'll enjoy uninterrupted supply, further guaranteed by the pittance you "tip" your friendly neighbourhood linesman with.
6. Water: You don't have to search for a bar for a heady cocktail, all you have to do is to turn on your tap. Municipal piped water in our capital city provides the perfect ambience for flourishing bacteria, viruses, plasmodia and other assorted microorganisms partying in a convivial atmosphere. That's usually described as potable water. A few litre of raw sewage is also mixed into this brew to give it that extra zing it requires to get you high, high enough to send you heavenward (to live in Delhi, you have to be a believer). If you have to drink the water, ensure your medical insurance is paid up.
7. Surviving The Summer: At the end of the three-day spell that Delhiites like to describe as spring, the mercury shoots up towards the mid-40s on the Celsius scale. If you've spent most of your life in the Thar Desert, you'll enjoy the climate during these months. Since there'll be no electricity at home to help you cool down, the neighbourhood blast furnace could offer some relief. If you are not from the Thar Desert, too bad - Delhi will make you believe that you can burn in hell.
8. Surviving The Monsoon: Once you have exhaled a sigh a relief over the end of the blistering heat, the rain will dampen your spirits. The electricity, of course, will be out on vacation, the humidity will dehydrate you, and when it does rain, you'll be knee-deep in muddy water in your won house (even if you live on the third floor). Our advise: Buy yourself a houseboat for these months. It will also help you navigate the waterlogged streets that mark the season.
9. Surviving The Winter: If Delhi's summer is imported from Rajasthan, it's winter comes from Himachal Pradesh. Nothing but the best will do for this city!
10. Being A Woman: That a definite no-no. You will feel no fear if you are out on the street after dark, you'll just be petrified. There's hope still, a sex change. However, if you shy away from such extreme measures, opt for a burlap bag to cover yourself with. Any other dress will sexually excite the Delhi male.

The Final Word: If you are planning on shifting to Delhi, don't. If you already live in Delhi, move.

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