It's India's most popular game show ever. And, no, we're not talking of news reports on match fixing.
Wanna guess? You have four choices: a) Krishi Darshan; b) Raja Aur Ranko; c) Jai Hanuman; d) Kaun Banega Crorepati.
If you've guessed right, you've won……nothing. If you've got it wrong, which planet are you from?
We, at Jaal, were privileged witnesses to an epochal episode (to be telecast) marking the first occasion on which someone actually gets the whole booty. And, no, we didn't have to sign the non-disclosure agreement because they don't have any for janitors.
But, first, an inkling into the initial selection process. The numbers advertised are just blinds. Those who manage to get through are summarily rejected for having displayed too much intelligence. Thereafter, the humongous database collected by the producers provides 10 contestants for the day, benchmarked on an IQ level conforming roughly to that of a somewhat addled wombat.
Now on to our hero: A Moron, a Class V dropout toddy tapper from Kavaratti. And on to our host, the SuperStar.
Host: Welcome Moronji. I understand you've brought along your pet Orang Utang. Namaskar, Orangji. I also understand if you win Rs One Crore today, you'll send Orangji to the Seychelles with Aishwarya Rai. Okay, let's start. Ready? For Rs I,000, the first question:
The English alphabet begins with: a) A; b) I; c) Omega; d) Pi
Moronji: Uh! Umm! Aah! Aaaa…
H: A? Okay, computerji, ise lock kiya jaye. Correct. You win Rs I,000. Now, for Rs 2,000. Who am I?: a) Amitabh Bachchan; b) Mickey Mouse; c) Your mother; d) Your pet Orang Utang.
M: Ummm…Mickey Mouse?
H: Sure? Confident??
M (smiles nervously): Err…Amitabh Bachchan??
H: Okay, ise lock kiya jaye. Correct again. You win Rs 2,000. Now, for Rs 3,000, aapka teesra sawal:
Who wrote Cakes And Ale?: a) Ernest Hemingway; b) Shakespeare; c) Enid Blyton; d) Somerset Maugham.
M (On the verge of tears): Help me. Mom…mom…mom…meeee.
H: Maugham?? Okay, let's lock that. Correct. You win Rs 3,000. You know a lot about literature. Now, for Rs 5,000.
What is kept in a sarcophagus?: a) The Golden Egg; b) Camel droppings; c) Mummy; d) The Crown Jewels.
M (crying now): Mummy…mummy.
H: Answer c) Mummy?? Absolutely certain. Aapke paas teen lifeline hain…
M: Mummy…
H: Right. Ise lock kiya jaye. Right again. Very good. Aap Rs 5,000 jeet gaye hain aur aapke saamne hain pehla padav. Ise agar aap paar kar gaye, aap yahan se kum se kum Rs 10,000 le jayenge. Aapka sawaal.
Which Indian industrialist is considered India's first aviator?: a) JRD Tata; b) Limba Ram; c) Rahul Bajaj; d) Timbuk 3.
M (crying copiously): Mummy…..
H: Do you want to use a lifeline?
M: Call my mummy, I want my mummy.
H: Okay, you want to phone a friend. Moronji ke mataji ko phone milaya jaye. (Phone rings and is answered). Namaskar mataji, aapke bete IMA hamare saamne hain aur unko aapki sahayta chahiye, Rs 10,000 jeetne ke liye. You have 30 seconds to answer this question, which has four choices. You time begins…now.
M: Mummy…
Mataji: Beta, sorry, but I have t go now to my kitty party. OK? Tata.
M: Tata.
H: Okay, so you've selected answer a). Let's see…Correct. You've won Rs 10,000. Now things get a little more difficult as the money doubles. Your question for Rs 20,000.
Which of these is one of the 7 Deadly Sins?: a) Spitting; b) Bathing; c) Brushing; d) Greed.
M (smiling): Greed.
H: Bilkul confident?
M (nodding): I know greed.
H: Okay. Let's lock answer d) Greed. Correct. Now for s 40,000, aapka sawaal. Jawaharlal Nehru was India's first Prime Minister. What was his first name?: a) Laloo; b) Jayalalitha; c) Indira; d Jawaharlal.
M: Er…Jawaharlal???
H: Soch leejiye, koi jaldi nahin hain.
M: Jawaharlal…
H: Okay, ise lock kiya jaye. Right answer. Now for Rs 80,000. What sort of dwelling does a Red Indian live in?: a) Igloo; b) TeePee; c) Hacienda; d) Adobe.
M (nervously): I want to pee…
H: TeePee. Answer b). Let's lock it. Correct. Aap achche jaa rahe hain. Ab Rs I,60,000 ke liye.
What sort of insect makes honey?: a) spider; b) mosquito; c) bee; d) beetle.
M: b) ??
H: Bee?? Sure?
M: b).
H: Theek hain, ise lock karte hain. Yeh bhi sahi jawaab. Aap Rs I.6 lakh jeet gaye hain aur aapke saamne doosra padav. For Rs 3.20 lakh, here's your next question.
Who created the cartoon character Phantom?: a) Charles Schulz; b) Michaelangelo; c) Ganesh Pyne; d) Lee Falk.
M: Oh….(expletive deleted).
H: Okay, let's lock that. Correct. Now you'll take at least Rs 3.20 lakh. Here's the cheque, but I won't give it to you now, because we want you to win even more money. You question for Rs 6.40 lakh.
How many balls does an over in cricket have?: a) 15; b) None; c) 6; d) 121.
M: I think I'm going to be sick…
H: Six? Answer c) ko lock kiya jaye. Right. You're doing very well, you're only three questions away from the crore and Aishwarya Rai must be packing her bags. Ub Rs 12.5 lakh ke liye, aapke saamne yeh sawaal:
Which faith did Guru Nanak found?: a) Hindu; b) Islam; c) Jew; d) Sikh.
M: I'm still feeling….. sick.
H: Sure?? Absolutely certain? Confident?
M: Sure I'm sick.
H: Okay, ise lock karte hain. Sahi jawaab. We are near to making history as you now have a chance to win Rs 25 lakh and still have two lifelines.
How many sides does a triangle have?: a) 3; b) 39; c) 112; d) 4.
M (scratching his head): I'd like to ask the audience.
H: Okay, audience tayyar rahiye, jab main kahoonga, aap button dabaiyye. Now.
Okay, 25 per cent think it's c), 25 per cent think it's c), 26 per cent think it's a) and 24 per cent think it's d).
M: Main audience ke saath jaana chahoonga.
H: Okay, let's lock answer a). Correct. Janta sahi hain aur aap jeet gaye Rs 25 lakh. Ab maamla gambhir ho raha hain. For Rs 50 lakh you question is:
Which is the sea on the east coast of India?: a) Arabian sea; b) Indian Ocean; c) Bay of Bengal; d) Dal Lake.
M: Sea…??
H: Answer c)?? Okay, ise bhi lock karte hain. Correct. This is a historic moment as you've won Rs 50 lakh and now have the chance to become the first person to win a crore on this programme. Your question for Rs I crore:
Who is India's Prime Minister?: a) Atal Behari Vajpayee; b) Pervez Musharraf; c) Mickey Mouse; d) The Wrong Answer.
M: Ummm..I'll use the 50-50.
H: Okay, computerji, do galat jawaab hata diye jaye. Right, here are the two remaining options:
a) Atal Behari Vajpayee; d) The Wrong Answer.
M: Ummm….I think, I'll go for a).
H: Sure? If you're not you can still withdraw and take Rs 50 lakh. You've used all your lifelines and if you get this wrong, you lose Rs 46.80 lakh and take only Rs 3.20 lakh. Are you confident of the answer?
M: Yes, I think d) is the wrong answer.
H: Okay, if you insist. Let's lock answer a). (Pauses) Correct. This is historic. A historic moment. The first winner of Rs I crore is A Moron…..

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