I. Madras Is A Four-Letter Word: Never call the city Madras. It may have been called that for several centuries but you could get ostracised if you do that now. Chennai is what it is. Dravidian pride and all that and remember that that birthed the LTTE and don't think twice on mulling over our advice.
2. Assimilation?: You can assimilate very easily in Chennai as long as you are a Tamilian. If you're anything else, you may have problems. You may have lived for five decades in the city, but you'll still be an outsider. Go figure…
3. Are You A Brahmin?: Better not be one. Even worse if you are a non-Tamilian Brahmin. Even the Tamil variety has it bad enough. These papans have been made virtually obsolete by the reservation mania that has undergirded Tamil politics. In fact, if you were to undertake a quick head count, you'd probably find more TamBrams in New Delhi or any city in the United States than in Chennai.
4. Watch Your Step: Chennai is dotted with giant cutouts of its most revered leaders - M Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha. Unfortunately, these cutouts tend to be as weighty as the latter. They loom far into the Chennai skyline and not only are they eyesores, they also have this nasty habit of coming crashing down, as residents in and around Nungambakkam will bear witness. At the same time, those with suicidal tendencies also tend to use these highrises to express themselves. It's bad enough being beaned by a cardboard Karunanidhi, but having a 300 kilo man land upon you is probably worse.
5. Watch That Meter: Most visitors to Chennai, unless they're shepherded around, have to resort to the TSRs or taxis. Though maintained beautifully, make sure that you don't get taken for a ride. If the meter has not been doctored with steroids, the driver will take you on a guided tour of the city, going around in several circles before finally arriving at your destination. According to one true recorded incident. a foreign couple alighted at the Chennai Airport's International terminal and asked an auto to take them to the Domestic terminal. That he did, and they paid up a couple of hundred rupees on being dropped off after about half-an-hour. That would be fine, barring the fact that the distance of the Domestic terminal from its International counterpart is about 20 metre or less.
6. Kerosene Shortage: Chennai is perpetually short of kerosene, so carry adequate stocks if you require any. The reason for this paucity is the number of immolation bids that are undertaken in the city each year. The reasons may be varied and bizarre but the next time you see a man dousing himself in fluid and looking thoughtfully at a match stick, it'd be advisable to run.
7. Water Shortage: Some lives lost in the immolation may have been saved if Chennai had enough water. Ironically, though the city is surrounded by sea and has enough water bodies to keep any township slaked, the municipal corporation is unable to supply water except on alternate weeks. Running after water-bearing tankers with buckets has become a regular Chennai sport.
8. Hold Your Nose: One of the reasons behind this acute shortage is that the water bodies like the Buckingham Canal are so polluted that they're less water and more sewage. Interestingly, even though the stink from this particular city stretch is so powerful that strong men quaver, the authorities are apparently contemplating introducing boating in the Canal.
9. Traffic Jams: Before you embark upon any journey in the city, even if covers about a kilometre, read the day's newspapers carefully. You have to keep track of the possible political developments and rallies planned because these choke up the city roads. More important is the phenomenon called VIP movement that creates traffic logjams that last hours. If you live anywhere close to Poes Garden or Gopalapuram, you're doomed.
10. Never Argue With A Politician: Chennai is crowded with politicians belonging not only to the two major Dravidian parties but also the two major national parties, not to mention anything about another 750 Dravidian parties and caste-based formations. Ensure that you never argue with any of them. Not only are you likely to get bashed up, as proceedings in the Tamil Nadu Assembly have shown, some of them like to put their point across by taking off their dhotis. Ugh!

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