So does John have the right stuff? Will the former New Zealand opener make champions out of chumps? Can a Kiwi fly? Will sub-editors go berserk punning on his name? Wright or wrong? So many questions…
As cricket lovers (we, at Jaal are always engaged in farcical activities), we believe that the Indian cricket team suffers from lack of professional guidance. One coach just isn't enough to cover all aspects. If a beauty pageant contestant has trainers by the truckload, do our cricketers deserve less? Therefore, here's our unsolicited list to the BCCI for the XI to train the XI.
I. WWF Consultant: To train them to make the show appear near real or at least like a contest even if the final result has been pre-determined by a cartel of bookies. Outlandish costumes and attitudes would also add pizzazz to the game.
2. Mike Tyson: To give the boys some aggro. If any of them disobey him, they're likely to have their ears chewed up.
3. Drama Coach: To make them appear believable when they claim they'll win a tournament, Test match or profess their innocence. To teach them to blubber convincingly or to express outrage.
4. Publicity Trainer: Someone who will hype any debutant who scores more than double figures into Bradmanesque proportions. Of course, an entire platoon of cricket hacks will be vying for this position.
5. CA: To handle the accounts and engage the bookies and to keep those IT hounds guessing. Also to deal with those tangled hawala transactions and safeguard the D-company's investments.
6. Investment Banker: To take care of those bagfuls of spare cash and either declare the booty as farm income or to divert it into venture capital through Mauritius so black turns white.
7. Beautician: Imagine having a dozen TV cameras trained upon you over eight hours with you sporting straggling hair, a two-day stubble and dirty fingernails. Required to make the team look good, if not while playing, at least on TV.
8. Speech-writer: To keep the cricketers from appearing mumbling morons. Give them good lines with the right spin and even 54 all out can be made out to seem a valiant effort.
9. Posture Coach: Will teach the players the secret of looking dignified even after being bowled for 0, clobbered for a 6 or having dropped a catch. No more drooping shoulders, hanging jaws, just elegance personified as they walk back to the pavilion.
10. Telephone Operator: Now that cellphones have been banned from dressing rooms, someone has to receive and transmit all those critical messages from Dubai, especially since some of the players think that not answering the phone will bring them bad luck.
11. Astrologer: To predict the results of matches that have not been fixed, so if the team's destined to lose anyway, the players can conserve their energy for more important assignments such as ad shoots. Jaywant Lele and his crystal ball could do the trick here.

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