Jaal presents the original version of the speech America’s President-elect Barack Obama gave after he won the November election:

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible (for instance, getting Bill and Hillary Clinton to campaign for me and, more importantly, having John McCain pick Sarah Palin as his running mate); who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer (the question, of course, is how this democracy managed to elect George W Bush for two terms).
It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America (pocket change, of course, since nobody actually has any real money left now).
I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation's next First Lady, Michelle Obama (and if I can sneak out of her sight long enough, I could probably get that smoke I’m dying for).
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you (yes, all of you CEOs of Lehman Brothers, GM, Ford, AIG and other Wall Street types, without whose untiring efforts to kill the US economy, I may not have won).
I was never the likeliest candidate for this office (I mean who would have thought someone who went to Harvard and Columbia could get elected President especially after the voters had clearly preferred a Yale graduate the last couple of times).
The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep (we still have to deal with Hillary Clinton. Hmmm…is that her? And what is that she’s holding? Maybe I should appoint her Secretary of State. Then she can be in New Delhi one week and Canberra the next; moving on to Nairobi and then Tel Aviv. Good idea.). We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there (look I even managed to get Bill Clinton to campaign for me. Give the man a cigar. Actually since he may drop in to the White House, don’t).
There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President (especially Hillary, who already has 18 million cracks ready about how I’ll govern), and we know that government can't solve every problem (or any problem).
Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long (and that means that I’ll just have to figure out a way to work with the Clintons). And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too (especially you, Lynn Forester de Rothschild. I am so upset that I lost the entire Baroness vote, when you switched from Hillary to McCain. That really hurts, when a simple Baroness ditches me, that means I lost my common touch. She even blamed me for trying to ignite “an insidious class war” by taxing the richest. Why couldn’t I get the white, hard-working Baroness to vote for me? Are the news networks going to talk about how I couldn’t close the deal with the Baroness demographic? Dammit. I really need a cigarette.)
And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand (that includes Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who is on my list of people to call after I get elected, right there in between the Heads of State of Nauru and Burkinafaso. He can blame that on cell phone reception. Anyway, all he says in that dull monotone of his is that I should worry less about CTBT and more about CitiBank.)
Yes We Can (Maybe). Thank you (Maybe), God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.