I. Green stands for money: If you are interested in lush, verdant vistas opening up before you, or at the very least, a few patches of sickly green, forget it. All you'll get here is the urban jungle. Concrete complexes are the natural habitat of the Mumbai denizens. In fact, after a couple of years living in the city, you end up thinking Chowpatty or Juhu beaches as natural wonders.
2. Train for the trains: The timings of the locals will rule your life. 9.27, 10.49 will be more than just numbers, they'll be the secret to your mobility. And, remember a slow train is really slow, spelt "forever." Forget about commuting any other way. Driving a car will ensure that you spend more time travelling from point A to point B than you spend at home.
3. Learn the lingo: Bambaiyya is much weirder than it sounds in Bollywood films. Learn it fast or you'll end up truly confused every time you have to indulge in a conversation. Remember, it doesn't matter if you are a multi-linguist, well versed in a dozen languages, this is the only dialect that matter. Remember, for instance, that town means everything south of Churchgate.
4. Space matters: You get very particular about personal space, which actually becomes a valid proposition whenever there isn't actually someone standing on your toes. You'll pay a minimum of Rs 10,000 for a one-room flat, in a suburb so far out as to be in another State, the size of the "apartment" will be that of a somewhat extended matchbox, and you'll still consider it a "steal".
5. The monsoon: You haven't experienced "wet" till you have lived in Mumbai. People wade around in ankle-deep slush and young couples actually welcome that time of the year as a "romantic" season. Never venture out without your raincoat, umbrella (both at the same time), and, if you have access to one, a motorboat. Also, remember that Mumbai basically has four seasons - Less Humid, Humid, Wet, and Still Humid.
6. Chattrapati Shivaji: Everything in Mumbai has been renamed and most after the great Maratha (not Sharad Pawar). So you'll get Chattrapati Shivaji Terminus, Chattrapati Shivaji International Airport, et al. But, the ordinary Mumbaikar will never respond to these names. So bone up on the recent geographical nomenclature of the city like knowing about Warden Road, Peddar Road, Altamount Road, VT and Santa Cruz.
7. It's About Money, Honey: If you are in your senses, you'll know the Sensex. The bulls and bears in the BSE will be the only animals you're interested in. The Nifty ups and downs will be linked to your mood swings. Carry around one "hot" prospectus as a status symbol. Never ever admit to not knowing what an MF is (the Fund funda, not the other one).
8. It's also arty, smarty: Remember that a one-time billboard painter filming an actress' backside is "art". And throwing around newspapers is "high art". Visit the Jahangir Art Gallery at least once. Take fashion seriously and always assert that Tarun Tahiliani, Abu-Jani and the rest of the gang can only be compared to their counterparts in Paris or Milan and not to those wannabes in New Delhi.
9. Jai Shiv Sena: Never ever criticise Balasaheb or even Dawoodbhai (depending upon which locality you're in). Never ever rent a flat from anyone who has the remotest connection to the Shiv Sena. Never ever snicker at the Saamna headline of the day. Never ever…well, you get the picture.
10. No comparison: Don't go about showing what a newbie you are by comparing your stint in Mumbai with other cities like Delhi, Chennai or Kolkata. That's infra dig. Mumbaikars brook no comparison. If at all, talk about how you find shades of Manhattan in the place.

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