The Indo-Pak Joint Misstatement

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For those of you who thought the NAM or Non-Aligned Movement was dead, think again. It’s not dead, just a zombie, shambling around in Havana for a few. However, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh did get to meet Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf there and they issued a joint statement. We got our diplomatic analyst (who refuses to be named) to read between the lines: President General Pervez Musharraf and Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh had a cordial, frank (diplomatese for throwing furniture at each other) and detailed exchange of views (diplomatese for throwing cutlery at each other) on all aspects of India-Pakistan relations (diplomatese for throwing tantrums). Desirous of carrying forward the dialogue process (diplomatese for continuing to quarrel while throwing furniture at each other), the leaders reiterated their commitments and determination to implement the joint statements of January 6, 2004, September 24, 2004, April 18, 2005 and September 14, 2005 (diplomatese for hoping that no one will remember what these statements said, not even the writers since they were throwing furniture at each other at that time). The leaders agreed that the peace process must be maintained (so must the conflict process but that can’t be mentioned) and its success was important for both countries and the future of the entire region (especially the Maldives because it is sinking into the Indian Ocean under the weight of the dialogue). In this context, they directed their Foreign Secretaries to resume the composite dialogue at the earliest possible (after they have gotten over the hangovers of the rum in Havana while they were smoking their Cuban cigars). The two leaders met in the aftermath of the Mumbai blasts (not to be confused with the party thrown by the cast and crew of Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna). They strongly condemned all acts of terrorism and agreed that terrorism is a scourge that needs to be effectively dealt with (India proceeded to offer to solve the issue of lawlessness in Waziristan by sending Adnan Sami back to Pakistan as an occupying force. In fact, he would occupy all of Waziristan and if there were no tribals around, there’d be no violence). They decided to put in place an India-Pakistan anti-terrorism institutional mechanism to identify and implement counter-terrorism initiatives and investigations (while the Pakistan Government would keep its pro-terrorism institutional mechanism in place to flummox these moves). The leaders decided to continue the joint search for mutually acceptable options for a peaceful negotiated settlement of all issues between India and Pakistan (like Adnan Sami), including the issue of Jammu and Kashmir, in a sincere and purposeful manner (diplomatese for holding discussions without any furniture or cutlery in the room). On the Jammu and Kashmir issue, there have been useful discussions (no furniture was thrown, they just beat up each other). There is a need to build on convergences and narrow down divergences (diplomatese for gobbledygook). The President of Pakistan renewed his invitation to the Prime Minister of India to visit Pakistan. Thanking the President, the Prime Minister indicated that he looked forward to a purposeful visit at a time to be determined through diplomatic channels (diplomatese for “Are you kidding me?”). * Send Jaal Your Feedback. 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