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The Perv
By now almost everyone is aware that Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf (better known to all 11 Jaalmag.com readers as ‘The Perv’) has written a memoir. That memoir, In The Line Of Fire, is already sailing on to the bestsellers lists though there is confusion among the listmakers whether to categorize it as Fiction or Non-fiction.
There is reason for that. Many of The Perv’s claims have been denied. For instance, he said the US threatened to bomb Pakistan into the Stone Age if it didn’t cooperate after 9/11. US President George W Bush denied tat standing next to The Perv. Undiplomatic sources also say it’s impossible to bomb Pakistan into the Stone Age since it’s already there. Or, given the amount of opium in the country, it’s already bombed into the Stoned Age.
India has denied Pakistan won the Kargil war. Though The Perv did deny a previous denial in his book by saying Pakistan’s forces did take war in that conflict.
The Perv himself has denied that the CIA paid money to his Government though that’s what he said in the book.
So, The Perv is certainly living in a state of denial.
In one section (page 54) The Perv writes: “My SSG company was ordered to prepare to seize a bridge about twenty miles deep inside enemy territory in West Pakistan.” It’s interesting how he considers his own country “enemy territory”.
We, at Jaalmag.com, have come across several other discrepancies that we want to point to our diligent readers here:

1. The Perv says he was born in Delhi on August 11, 1943. Untrue. The Perv was never born, he was hatched from an ostrich’s egg at the Delhi Zoo. That is why he has this habit of burying his head in the sand whenever Pakistan is accused of harbouring terrorists, which, of course, is all of the time.
2. The Perv says he was only 18 when he entered the Pakistan Military Academy in 1961. Now, this is a sin of omission. He does not clarify that the 18 refers to his IQ score rather than his age. He has steadfastly maintained that level till date.
3. “The item on the top of my agenda in 1999 was the revival of Pakistan’s sick economy.” This is a careful choice of the adjective “sick”. Sine, of course, he refers to an economy that draws sustenance entirely from Saudi funds for terrorist activity in Pakistan, contrarily funds from America to fight terrorism, and sale of nuclear weaponry technology.
4. “Mullah Omar and Osama bin Laden are perhaps the most notorious names in the world today.” A rare show of modesty by The Perv when he doesn’t mention himself as part of the unholy trinity in a book where he treats himself as a Messiah.
5. “Mullah Omar has not been heard from since.” He only communicates with The Perv by sign language for instance when they are sitting across the table for dinner and the One-Eyed Mullah wants the salt passed and The Perv’s poodles sautéed.
6. “We have done everything possible to track down Osama bin Laden, but he has evaded us.” Of course, by this The Perv refers the hide-and-seek games he plays with Osama at the Presidential compound in Islamabad before the join Mullah Omar for dinner and Osama also asks for The Perv’s poodle’s to be sautéed.

Given these details, it is but fitting that The Perv chose to appear on Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show in American television. After all, a fake news programme is best suited to discuss a fake memoir.


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