No sooner than you land in Lucknow hoardings asking you (in chaste Lakhnawi) to "smile that you are in Lucknow" greet you. But, that's a ruse to distract your attention from the smiling - in fact, only they smile - urchins lining the road out of the railway station compound. Your tryst with the capital of the most populous state in India begins with swarms of idlers. So, it's never difficult to bide time in Lucknow. You only have to be free. People (from all walks of life) will congregate around you to discuss virtually everything under the sun. Corruption and politicians' performance remains their bugbear.
And, that's your lesson No. 1: Never bite the "discussion" bait. For once into it, it's very difficult to do anything else. You might miss appointments, to say the least.
Not even Laloo Yadav, the fodder figure, will dare to liken the roads in Lucknow to Hema Malini's cheeks. They only resemble a pimpled cheek: potholes are okay (OK, for the nonce), but how do you avoid the gaping manholes, that keep their smelling mouth open irrespective of the prey.
Your lesson No. 2 is to be cautious of the manholes when you walk on the roads in Lucknow. You never know when and where the Sursa's mouth will open up and take you into it. And, that's besides taking care of how others drive. Yes, others: In Lucknow, no one seems to have the basic road sense. Anyone can swirl, twirl, spin into or out of any lane at any time; turn without a blink (I mean the indicators); park at their fancy… and not on the sides. So, when you decide to take the plunge into the city's traffic, keep in the mind the rule of the road: Beware of others' "driving skills".
If you don't have a vehicle, this lesson is for you: Always start at least one hour in advance if you want to reach your destination in one piece during office hours. People jostle for space (and, some for comfort) when there's none. City buses will stop anywhere for you, so that is no prob, but getting onto it is. So, practice high jump a little. Call that lesson No. 3.
Despite being the power capital of the power state - it has given the country so many of its Prime Ministers - there's no knowing when the bulb will "plonk off". Streetlights are more often than not on the blink, and the power supply needs the slightest of provocation to go off: it can't stand even a squall. So, your lesson No. 4 is to always be armed with candles (even when you don't have a candle-light dinner at home) and the whole caboodle to keep the rogues, who leave no chance to cash in on dark, at bay. If you are on the road, be careful and only put your best foot forward - to avoid manholes.
The telephone here is obdurately stubborn. It goes dead just when try to make a call and doesn't come to life even as you cry yourself hoarse to call it back (to life). But, the linesmen know the trick, and it needs only a "little suvidha shulk" for them to bring it back to life.
The next lesson, therefore, is to never rely on the telephone, which has the uncanny habit of going dead at the drop of a coin… oops, a hat. And, the water is also naughty. It comes and goes at its own will. So, never forget to arrange for storing water. Say, that's the next lesson.
Lucknow is the wrong place for a student if you are indiscreet and endowed with aggressive testosterone. Hanging out with a girl is as dangerous as walking through a forgotten minefield. "Talk to that girl and we will break your nut" or variations of this threat are conveyed to those who wouldn't listen.
So, the tip for the romantics is to find the antecedents of a girl before letting the Cupid do his trick. For, every Valentine's, it's Guns 'n Roses here.
The last but the foremost rule to surviving the UP capital is: Never violate the ruling party's moral code. Power here flows from politics, guns and caste - not necessarily in that order. And, you should be ready for any treatment at the hands of the powerful.

AarGee is a Lucknow-based humourist

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