Welcome to another episode of National Geographic World Explorer. Today we take you to the mountainous region of northern Pakistan, not far from the Afghanistan border, where you will get a rare close-up view of an elusive, hairy creature that, scientists believe, is none other than Osama bin Laden. He and his kind were once considered an endangered species, but their population is now growing so rapidly, people in India are starting to get envious. Some have even accused al-Qaeda of spying on India and stealing its population control programs.
To find out the truth, our fearless reporter traveled to the North West Frontier Province of Pakistan and tracked down Osama, who has managed to hide his identity and evade capture by wearing a T-shirt that says, “I LOVE BUSH.” He had just finished dinner and was in good spirits, agreeing to a short interview.
Reporter: “I’d never have expected you to wear such a T-shirt. Do you really love Bush?”
Osama: “Yes, indeed. Bush is good place to hide. Hahaha! I tell good joke, no?”
Reporter: “Yes, but let’s get to serious matters. It has been three years since you and your men committed that terrible act, killing three thousand innocent people in America. Do you have any regrets? Do you feel any sympathy for the survivors or are you totally incapable of that?”
Osama: “Why you ask me these questions? Why you not ask Saddam? He is the one who planned 9/11. That is why Amreeka attacked Iraq, no?”
Reporter: “Come on, Mr. Laden. The whole world knows you did it. Why don’t you just admit it?”
Osama: “Saddam is going to die anyway. With God’s blessing, he will die for 9/11, too. Hahaha! It is too funny, how he is getting mixed up with me. One of my men heard two Amreekans talking. The first Amreekan said, ‘Our country is much safer since we captured Saddam bin Laden.’ And the second Amreekan said, ‘You idiot! It’s not Saddam bin Laden. It’s Osama bin Hussein!’ Hahaha! I tell you, I was so happy when the Amreekans captured Saddam, especially when I saw his beard.”
Reporter: “But Saddam had connections to al-Qaeda, right?”
Osama: “Well, you will never see a picture of Saddam shaking hands with me or my men, but I can show you a picture of Saddam shaking hands with Donald Rumsfeld. They have even shared a hot tub, no? Hahaha!”
Reporter: “Over the last year, the number of people in al-Qaeda has grown tremendously, according to the Terrorist Census Bureau. Have you increased your recruitment efforts?”
Osama: “No, we are actually closing our recruitment centers, including the ones in Saudi Arabia. Because of Iraq war, we are getting so many applications to join al-Qaeda, we are having trouble completing all the background checks. Hahaha!”
Reporter: “So you are not stealing population secrets from India?”
Osama: “No, not at all. But we are thinking of outsourcing some of the background checks to India. Hahaha!”
Reporter: “Final question, Mr. Laden. I’ve heard that you are celibate these days to show your men that even their leader is willing to make sacrifices for the cause. Is that true?”
Osama: “Celibate? Yes, indeed. Whenever I see beautiful woman, I say to my men, ‘Bring her to my room, so I can celibate!’ I always have big celibation. Hahaha! It is good joke, no?”


Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com

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