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Expect More Excitement In 2004
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 Another year has passed and it’s time once again for me to gaze into my crystal ball and boldly predict the future. Here’s what I see happening in 2004:- Officials from the U.S. Department of Agriculture panic when a cow is spotted in New York with a cigarette in its mouth. “It shows no concern whatsoever for its health,” one official says. “It must be a mad cow.” Meanwhile, a Pennsylvania dairy farmer, hoping to capitalize on the mad cow disease scare, produces a bumper sticker that says: “I’d rather have a mad cow than a mad president.” - As coalition troops withdraw from their country, millions of Iraqis rush into the streets in jubilation, realizing that they still have some oil left. But a few are suspicious when they look inside an oil barrel and find a label that says “Brewed in Milwaukee.” - Having restored democracy in Iraq, American troops are given an even more daunting mission: restoring democracy in Florida. While carrying out this special mission, they are surprised to find what they’ve spent months looking for: weapons of mass destruction. “We were searching for them halfway across the world,” a soldier says. “And here they were, right under our noses. Go figure!” - Rev. Al Sharpton becomes the first African-American to win the Democratic presidential nomination, beating his rivals handily and leading President Bush in the polls, until his wife spoils it all by saying, “Wake up, Al. You’re dreaming again!” Former Vermont governor Howard Dean wins the actual nomination, but loses the election to President Bush 5-3, with one justice abstaining. - The Summer Olympics in Athens, Greece, are a resounding success, though the Bulgarian weightlifting team returns home disappointed. “They told us that this Olympics would be drug-free,” a dejected weightlifter says. “But we looked everywhere and couldn’t find a single drug that was free.” - As American companies shift many of their customer service jobs to India, Time Warner, a major cable company, announces that its service crew will now be based in New Delhi. “We want to reassure our customers that our service calls will not be disrupted,” a company spokesman says. “On the contrary, they should be a lot faster.” But a Pennsylvania customer complains that he can’t watch a movie anymore without all the actors breaking out in song and dance. - After surviving ten more assassination attempts, Pakistan president Pervez Musharraf decides to visit a psychiatrist. “I might be wrong, doctor,” Musharraf says, “but I’m beginning to get the impression someone doesn’t like me.” Hearing about his concern, his critics give him a new nickname: Nervous Pervez. He tries to appease them by announcing that he will step down from the presidency as soon as he has figured out what he’s doing there in the first place. - Arnold Schwarzenegger struggles through his first year as California governor, realizing that his acting skills, while good enough for movies, are insufficient for politics. His opponents complain that the governor’s expression, during a memorial service for a Democratic leader, looks a little like a smile. “I meant no offense whatsoever,” Schwarzenegger says. “I was just checking out the widow.” - In a last-minute deal with prosecutors, Michael Jackson pleads guilty to a lesser charge of “impersonating a grown-up.” A judge comes down hard on the pop star, sentencing him to ten years of listening to his own music. “I promise to change,” a repentant Jackson tells the judge. “I’ve already spoken to my plastic surgeon.” RECENTLY ON JAAL: Talk Is Cheap A Saint Like No Other Happiness Doesn't Need To Cost Much Goodbye Idibhai Unfinished Business The Worms Rule Pell Mall Who's Afraid Of Sonia G? The Babu Web Election Anthrax Graduate With Osama Slum Chums Dil Chahta Ha Ha Phooling All The People All The Time Achtung! Poleizi! Talks In Fool Swing Musings On Mush Amma Mia Poll Vault: The Rough Guide Delhi's Traffic Jam Being Believed Extinct Exists!! Truth Or Bare Holi Wholly Unholy Asking For The Moon Excise Excise Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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