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Queer Queries, Asinine Answers
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 We, at Jaalmag.com, regularly receive email from our loyal readers seeking advice. Since we are a social service website, we have refrained from dealing with those emails, out of the sheet goodness of our hearts. But, after being deluged by such emails (we describe a droplet as a deluge), we’ve finally decided to respond. Here goes:Dear Jaal, I have been receiving emails from generous Nigerian oil tycoons, willing to share millions of dollars with me if I were to simply send across a cheque for $5000 to an offshore account for initial processing fees. I am attracted by the idea. Should I go ahead? Please advise. Moneyman in Mumbai Dear Moneyman, Before we actually address the issue, we will send across a post box number to you. Please do not be put off by the fact that it’s located in Mauritius. Or that we cannot give you a receipt. Or that we’ve asked for the money in bills that cannot be traced, in a brown bag. That’s simply part of our consultancy process. Looking forward to your cooperation. Dear Jaal, My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for the last 6 years. During that time, we have tried very position possible during the most fertile periods. Still nothing. She has had a dozen gynae tests done and I’ve also had a dozen semen analysis conducted. Still nothing. What could be the problem? Impotent in Indore Dear Impotent, Have you considered taking the condom off? Dear Jaal, I’m a 15-year-old all-rounder who plays for the school team. I think I have the talent to make it to the international squad. What do I do? Bowling in Bangalore Dear Bowling, Getting to be a national cricketer means a lot of hard work. It requires dedication and perseverance. There are several steps towards achieving your target: a) Bribe the junior selectors, b) bribe the state selectors, c) bribe the national selectors. If you are impatient, the short route is to bribe the BCCI. Dear Jaal, I am an honest man of great integrity. I have worked for my community for several years and though almost penniless, I keep striving for the uplift of the poor. I am an idealist and I want to contribute more to my society and country by becoming a legislator. How do I go about getting elected? Truthful in Thiruvananthapuram Dear Truthful, Unfortunately, the words you use “honest”, “integrity”, “idealist” and “penniless” automatically disqualify you from becoming an MP and MLA. To achieve your objective, either becoming a business magnate or get yourself chargesheeted in several crimes, minor and major. That seems to work for the others. Dear Jaal, I am a gorgeous 19-year-old college student and I want to become an actress. However, I am conservative and do not want to strip and am afraid of what I have heard about Bollywood. Does the casting couch actually exist? Charming in Chandigarh Dear Charming, That’s bogus, the casting couch is a myth created by the media. Any self-respecting producer/director/actor/screenwriters/lightboy etc., will use a 5-star hotel room with a comfortable mattress. RECENTLY ON JAAL: Time To Lighten Up Gandhi Still Leads The Way Outsourcing Our Work To India Expect More Excitement In 2004 Talk Is Cheap A Saint Like No Other Happiness Doesn't Need To Cost Much Goodbye Idibhai Unfinished Business The Worms Rule Pell Mall Who's Afraid Of Sonia G? The Babu Web Election Anthrax Graduate With Osama Slum Chums Dil Chahta Ha Ha Phooling All The People All The Time Achtung! Poleizi! Talks In Fool Swing Musings On Mush Amma Mia Poll Vault: The Rough Guide Delhi's Traffic Jam Being Believed Extinct Exists!! Truth Or Bare Holi Wholly Unholy Asking For The Moon Excise Excise Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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