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1. Critic Roshan: The illegitimate son of Rakesh Roshan. Since he could not make the cut as an actor in Bollywood as he lost his hair faster than his father did, he turned sour and took to being a film critic. Has been known to be particularly harsh on movies starring Hrithik Roshan. His most famous quote on his brother is: “Waiting for Hrithik’s career to come crashing down is just like waiting for his hair to fall off. Both are inevitable.”
2. Pimple Kapadia: The youngest of the Kapadia sisters, was unable to make her mark in Bollywood due to the plethora of acne scars her face had been afflicted with. Has a few acting credits in films by the Ramsay Brothers.
3. Sobby Deol: While Sunny and Bobby are better known, Sobby is best known for crying constantly, mostly when he is being beaten up by his beefy brothers.
4. Milkshake Bachchan: The child born to Amitabh Bachchan and Rekha, the deep dark secret of the Bachchan clan. Know to be too frothy for the sort of intense roles his father and half-brother have enacted.
5. Salmon Khan: The fish-faced twin brother of Salman Khan who was separated from him when their parents went for a party at Madh Island many years ago, had too much Ecstasy and then returned with a Labrador instead. Considered Salman’s evil twin. Or, hang on, is it the other way round?
6. Osho Khanna: Born while Vinod Khanna was a card-carrying member of the Rajneesh commune. The identity of the mother is unknown. Has been seen wearing saffron robes and canvassing for his father in his avatar as a BJP MP.
7. Anal Kapoor: Anil Kapoor’s younger brother. They were separated many years ago when their parents went to a fair in a village and after a storm struck, Anal was left behind and adopted by a nomadic tribe of Jungian psychiatrists, thereby deriving his name.
8. Dareena Kapoor: Career killed as she turned out to be terrified of appearing before cameras. Brought eternal shame upon the Kapoor clan. Has been carefully hidden away within the rolls of uncle Rishi Kapoor’s fat.
9. Venkatanarayanan Thiruchittampalam: Belongs to the famous Thiruchittampalam family of cinestars. In case you haven’t heard of the, that’s because they never managed to appear in a single film despite the brood constituting 1234 thespians.
10. Kabootar Junior: His father was seen acting with Salman Khan and barely escaped being shot twice by him thereby managing to procreate and keep the Kabootar clan going, as in Ja Kabootar Ja. Kabootar Junior hasn’t been able to break into Bollywood due to weak bowels and the resultant habit of crapping on actresses.
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