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Dude, Turbanheads Differ
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 Good evening and welcome to the National Diversity Conference, co-sponsored by the President’s Commission to Promote Greater Understanding and the drug Levitra. Today, I’d like to talk to you about a group of people who are often misunderstood: the turban-wearers.Perhaps you’ve seen them walking around. Perhaps you’ve shared an elevator with them. Perhaps you’ve even had the pleasure of sitting next to them on a plane. Most of them are quite friendly. They will smile at you, shake your hand and say “hello,” even if they have to interrupt your “Dear God, please save me, I’m not ready to die” prayer. They will help you off your knees and offer to get you some medication for your shaky hands and pounding heart. They may even offer to get you some clean underwear. They’re no different from other people, except they follow a religion that requires them to wear a turban. And because of that, they’ve had to endure various offenses and hardships: being linked to Osama bin Laden and his kind, being physically and verbally attacked, being asked to remove their turbans at security checkpoints, being expected to grant people three wishes. Turban discrimination is a major problem in America and it’s about time we did something about it. That’s why President Bush, on my recommendation, has decided to officially proclaim March as “Hug Your Turbaned Friend Month.” Each day of the month will bear a special designation. For example, March 7 will be “Turban Awareness Day,” March 15 will be “Turban History Day,” and March 20 will be “Bring Your Turbaned Friend to Work Day.” On Turban Awareness Day, we will try to make ourselves aware of all the turbaned people around us – and not just when we’re sitting on a plane. We will notice the doctor at the local hospital who wears a turban, the professor at the local university who wears a turban, the owner of the Indian restaurant who wears a turban. We will notice them all and we’ll try not to panic. We’ll try to understand that they’re not up to any mischief, that even the restaurant owner isn’t trying to kill us with his hot curry. We will also become aware that not all turban-wearers are Muslims. Many are Sikhs, belonging to a religion that originated in India a few centuries ago. Sikhism requires its followers to show their devotion in various ways, but last I checked, hijacking planes wasn’t one of them. We will learn that a turban isn’t a hat – it can’t be removed at a moment’s notice, can’t be taken off to comply with a restaurant’s dress code, can’t be doffed to show respect to Her Majesty Queen Latifah. Asking a Sikh to take off his turban is like asking a female pop singer not to take anything off. It just isn’t done. We will offer some simple “turban tips” to airport security people. That way, they won’t have to look stupid when explaining a turban search to higher authorities, as demonstrated in the following skit. Security person: “I heard a ticking sound. I consulted the boss and he said, ‘It’s dis turban.’ So I decided to search de man’s turban.” Boss: “You idiot! I didn’t say it’s dis turban. I said it’s disturbin'. If you don’t change your ways, you’ll keep bringing us dishonor.” Security person: “Thank you, boss. I couldn’t have brought us dis honor without you.” RECENTLY ON JAAL: Waves Of Generosity Muslimphobia Musings Queer Queries, Asinine Answers Time To Lighten Up Gandhi Still Leads The Way Outsourcing Our Work To India Expect More Excitement In 2004 Talk Is Cheap A Saint Like No Other Happiness Doesn't Need To Cost Much Goodbye Idibhai Unfinished Business The Worms Rule Pell Mall Who's Afraid Of Sonia G? The Babu Web Election Anthrax Graduate With Osama Slum Chums Dil Chahta Ha Ha Phooling All The People All The Time Achtung! Poleizi! Talks In Fool Swing Musings On Mush Amma Mia Poll Vault: The Rough Guide Delhi's Traffic Jam Being Believed Extinct Exists!! Truth Or Bare Holi Wholly Unholy Asking For The Moon Excise Excise Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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