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'Roids R'Us
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 Steroids and other drugs are like food to many athletes,
from Olympic runners to baseball sluggers, helping them
achieve goals and set records that seem authentic to some
fans and experts, the ones who buy their Rolex watches from
Chinatown.But if you think drugs are tarnishing only the glamour sports, you probably haven't been keeping up with news from the world of Kabaddi. You probably don't subscribe to "Kabaddi Digest." And you probably don't spend your nights looking at the buff bodies at Kabaddi.com. Immensely popular on the Indian subcontinent, Kabaddi is a strange sport to outsiders, requiring players to yell "kabaddikabaddikabaddi" nonstop while raiding the opposing team's territory, thus holding their breath during the entire maneuver. It's the type of sport you might see on American TV, but only on "Ripley's Believe it or not." Originating some 4,000 years ago, it was a demonstration sport at the 1936 Olympics and is well on its way to becoming a full-fledged Olympic sport, if steroid use is any indication. Kabaddi's bid for Olympic status was solidified recently when a top player named Kuljeet Singh was busted at San Francisco airport for carrying syringes and steroids in his shoes. He was returning home from what the San Jose Mercury News described as a "grueling winter season of Kabaddi matches in East India." (In fact, the winter season is so grueling in East India, players have been known to run to West India.) Singh, 23, told the Mercury News that steroid use is quite common among Kabaddi players and he had no idea the drugs were illegal in America. He apparently just makes it a habit to store things in his shoes. That way, they'll be safe from pickpockets. (Note to would-be smugglers: Shoes are the first place the authorities look. Especially if you're five-foot-six and wearing size 14.) What's most troubling about this incident is Singh's claim that his Indian doctor prescribed the 'roids, as they're often called. Singh: "Thank you, Doctor. The 'roids have really helped me. I'm not only the fastest and strongest player on the team, I'm also the loudest." Doctor: "That's good to hear, Kuljeet. Have you experienced any side effects?" Singh: "Well, my testicles are shrinking, but that's about all. No big deal, really. Who needs testicles when you're a Kabaddi superstar?" Doctor: "You're lucky, Kuljeet. Some of my patients experience reduced sperm count, infertility, baldness, development of breasts, increased aggression and extreme mood swings. It's great for business." Singh: "Actually, Doctor, I do have one complaint. The steroids haven't really helped me hold my breath for a longer time." Doctor: "Well, keep taking the drugs I prescribe, Kuljeet, and in a few years, you might be able to hold your breath forever." If Kabaddi can be plagued with drugs, imagine which sports will be next. Don't be surprised to see these headlines in your local newspaper: ---Steroid allegations taint National Spelling Bee. President Bush orders moratorium on spelling. ---Survey reveals rampant steroid use among shuffleboard players. President Bush orders random drug testing at retirement homes. ---Steroids found in shoes of scrabble champion. President Bush bans shoes. Sandal makers delighted. Young athletes are particularly susceptible to steroids, focused as they are on short-term benefits. Parents need to talk to them, keep them from harming themselves. Teen-aged boy: "Dad, what do you know about 'roids?" Dad: "I know a lot about them, son. They can cause you a lot of pain. You may even have trouble sitting down." Boy: "Uh, Dad ... I'm talking about steroids, not hemorrhoids." Dad: "Steroids? Oh, you'd better talk to your mom. I think she played Kabaddi in school." RECENTLY ON JAAL: Dude, Turbanheads Differ Waves Of Generosity Muslimphobia Musings Queer Queries, Asinine Answers Time To Lighten Up Gandhi Still Leads The Way Outsourcing Our Work To India Expect More Excitement In 2004 Talk Is Cheap A Saint Like No Other Happiness Doesn't Need To Cost Much Goodbye Idibhai Unfinished Business The Worms Rule Pell Mall Who's Afraid Of Sonia G? The Babu Web Election Anthrax Graduate With Osama Slum Chums Dil Chahta Ha Ha Phooling All The People All The Time Achtung! Poleizi! Talks In Fool Swing Musings On Mush Amma Mia Poll Vault: The Rough Guide Delhi's Traffic Jam Being Believed Extinct Exists!! Truth Or Bare Holi Wholly Unholy Asking For The Moon Excise Excise Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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