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Loving Patient Tourists
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 Outsourcing is a hot concept these days, with companies and individuals trying to cut costs by sending work abroad. So many services are being outsourced, from telemarketing to website design to Internet scamming.But silly me, I really thought there was a limit to what could be outsourced. Apparently not. Some students in America, for example, are being tutored by math and science teachers in India. Yes, you can now sit in front of a computer and have the very knowledgeable Mr. Balasubramaniam explain to you, in simple language, how to send money to India. He will also teach you skills you may need in college, such as how to add and subtract without using your fingers and toes. And the best part is, if you don’t complete his assignments, he can’t send his ruler through the Internet to smack your hand. Corporal punishment doesn’t work too well online. The idea of a teacher and student being on different continents is nothing short of amazing. And it can offer lots of “new” benefits. Imagine a New Guinean woman getting a degree from a New York university with help from a New Delhi tutor. Soon she’d have a new job, a new car and many new friends. If having a teacher abroad seems terrific to you, what about having a doctor abroad? Yes, even healthcare is being outsourced these days. Patient in America: “Dr. Pham, can you see me? I’m not sure if this web camera is working properly.” Doctor in Thailand: “Yes, Mrs. Jones, I can see you. You have a very nice tan.” Patient: “Oops, I must be pointing the camera at Fifi. She’s my Golden Retriever.” Doctor: “A very pretty dog indeed. And she’s wearing a very nice dress.” Patient: “Oh, I think you’re looking at me now. Anyway, Doctor, since you’re a very busy man, let me get to my problem. For the last week or so, my butt has been hurting like the dickens. Here, let me point the camera at it.” Doctor: “Oh my. That looks really bad. How long have you had those spots?” Patient: “Spots? Oh, you must be looking at my polka dot panty. You had me worried for a moment.” Thankfully, doctors aren’t trying to examine patients through the Internet – at least not yet. But something just as phenomenal is happening: many westerners are flying as far as Thailand and India for treatment – and it doesn’t involve inhaling something. Even with the cost of a plane ticket, they’re saving a bundle, while being treated at state-of-the-art hospitals designed to attract foreign patients, hospitals with whirlpools. Patient: “Dr. Pham, are you sure I can go home now? Don’t you want to examine me for the next few weeks or so?” Doctor: “I just examined you for the 88th time, Mrs. Jones, and everything looks spotless.” Some enterprising folks are combining tourism with cosmetic surgery. They stay at a plush resort while recovering from surgery, getting their spirits lifted along with their faces. One British woman even traveled abroad to give birth. “When I gave birth in London, I had to leave the hospital the very same day,” she said. “Here in India, because of the low costs, I can stay until my baby goes off to college.” RECENTLY ON JAAL: 'Roids'R'Us Dude, Turbanheads Differ Waves Of Generosity Muslimphobia Musings Queer Queries, Asinine Answers Time To Lighten Up Gandhi Still Leads The Way Outsourcing Our Work To India Expect More Excitement In 2004 Talk Is Cheap A Saint Like No Other Happiness Doesn't Need To Cost Much Goodbye Idibhai Unfinished Business The Worms Rule Pell Mall Who's Afraid Of Sonia G? The Babu Web Election Anthrax Graduate With Osama Slum Chums Dil Chahta Ha Ha Phooling All The People All The Time Achtung! Poleizi! Talks In Fool Swing Musings On Mush Amma Mia Poll Vault: The Rough Guide Delhi's Traffic Jam Being Believed Extinct Exists!! Truth Or Bare Holi Wholly Unholy Asking For The Moon Excise Excise Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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