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Breast Beating
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 At some point, it's going to happen. My 15-month-old
daughter, Divya, will grow up and relinquish her rights to
my wife's breasts. "It's all yours, Dad," she will say. "I'm
done."Don't get me wrong: It's not like I'm eager or anything. It's not like I'm putting up signs in our home that say, "Cow's milk: It's udderly delicious." It's not like I'm longing for the days when I could watch swimming on TV without feeling nostalgic every time the announcer says, "Coming up next: the breaststroke." I really don't begrudge my daughter's breast attachment, even if the word "monopoly" no longer makes me think of the board game. I'm glad she's being breast-fed, I'm glad she's enjoying it so much and I'm glad she's staying away from my nipples. Yes, men do have nipples, the purpose of which was unknown for thousands of years, until a group of college students discovered, quite brilliantly, how easy it is to hang rings from them. If men produced milk, perhaps breast-feeding would be more common, perhaps public breast-feeding would be widely accepted. Just picture rap star 50 Cent on TV saying, "I breast-feed everywhere I go: At the post office, in the grocery store, even in the record studio. Nothing makes me feel good like nursing my son, Dime." The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that women breast-feed their babies for at least a year, though formula can be introduced after the first six months and root beer after the first six years. About 70 percent of American women choose to breast-feed, but more than two-thirds give up within six months, according to the New York Times. That's partly because they face various obstacles, not the least of which is the stigma attached to public breast-feeding. Some people are uncomfortable at the sight of a baby being breast-fed, the same people who would simply turn their heads when they spot two teen-agers going at it hot and heavy, locking their lips and making more sucking sounds than the baby. Some restaurants and other businesses even go to the extent of asking breast-feeding moms to either shut the faucet off or leave. "It's nothing against breast-feeding," Scotty Stroup, a restaurant owner in Round Rock, Texas, told the Times. "It's about exposing yourself for people who don't want to see it." I'm not sure which breast-feeding moms he has seen, but apparently one of them walked around the restaurant with her breasts hanging out, offering to feed everyone. "Come and get it. A shot of protein." Truth is, most breast-feeding moms try to be discreet. My wife always covers herself and turns away from people. She doesn't want to put herself on display, doesn't want to hear an announcement: "Attention shoppers. A woman is breast-feeding in Aisle 5. Please do not run. There's plenty of space around her." I'm surprised more business owners don't welcome and accommodate breast-feeding. The only restaurants that seem to encourage breast-feeding are the ones that serve fried chicken. Unfortunately my daughter, Divya, doesn't run after those breasts. If you own a restaurant, it may make sense to divide it into two sections. When women arrive, ask them their preference: "Breast-feeding or non-breast-feeding." When men arrive, ask them their preference, too: "Mask or binoculars." RECENTLY ON JAAL: Loving Patient Tourists 'Roids'R'Us Dude, Turbanheads Differ Waves Of Generosity Muslimphobia Musings Queer Queries, Asinine Answers Time To Lighten Up Gandhi Still Leads The Way Outsourcing Our Work To India Expect More Excitement In 2004 Talk Is Cheap A Saint Like No Other Happiness Doesn't Need To Cost Much Goodbye Idibhai Unfinished Business The Worms Rule Pell Mall Who's Afraid Of Sonia G? The Babu Web Election Anthrax Graduate With Osama Slum Chums Dil Chahta Ha Ha Phooling All The People All The Time Achtung! Poleizi! Talks In Fool Swing Musings On Mush Amma Mia Poll Vault: The Rough Guide Delhi's Traffic Jam Being Believed Extinct Exists!! Truth Or Bare Holi Wholly Unholy Asking For The Moon Excise Excise Bush Speechless The Moron's Hack Miss Whirl Chatterbox 6 Chatterbox 5 Chatterbox 4 Chatterbox 3 Chatterbox 2 Chatterbox 1 Cloud Nine The Son Always Shines Glam Slam Autonomy Retort The Sri Lankan Mulberry Bush Take The Green Quiz A Tiger By The Tail 1000000000+ Chandrachud Rereported The Second Coming Of Bill Are You A Bollywood Buff? Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the US in the early 1980s. Read his previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com SEND US YOUR FEEDBACK ABOUT THIS ARTICLE:
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